listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
