I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize