I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
