yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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