I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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