remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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