Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
