i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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