it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
