So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
