The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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