Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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