normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
