I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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