my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
