I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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