Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
