my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
