Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize