the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
