where am i from again
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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