There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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