Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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