I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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