Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
