Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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