On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
