6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
