I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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