okay pat passed out under dana's car
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
