I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
