after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize