Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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