you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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