Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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