I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
