I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
