Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
