I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
