Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
