the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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