Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
