I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
