1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
