i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
