Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
