you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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