Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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