It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
