she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
