sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
