I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
