I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
