I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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