apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
