Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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