i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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